The Four Ply
by GoodyAce
Summary: Jerry's new girlfriend is quite the treasure. Kramer's new job is hot off the press. George learns that "X" marks the spot. Elaine's a giving person, but she's not in the giving mood.


SEINFELD

THE FOUR PLY

BY: DAVID ADLER

SCENE - COFFEE SHOP

JERRY

Look at this guy with the umbrella. It's not even raining.

GEORGE

The guy on Channel 5, Waldo, he said that it was supposed to be like, a 30% chance of rain today.

KRAMER

I love Waldo. He's hilarious. With that cape. (Kramer takes a piece of tissue from his pocket and blows his nose.) Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah (Delivered in a very salacious way.)

JERRY

Having a good time?

KRAMER

Oh. You've got to feel this, Jerry. Four-ply. It's like blowing your nose with a mink...uh,...

JERRY

Stole?

KRAMER

No, I paid for it.

GEORGE

What is that, toilet paper?

KRAMER

Yeah, but it's new. Just came out today. Four-ply. Yeah, I'm off two-ply. That stuff's like sand-paper. I can't work with that. Here, Jerry. Feel it. Feel this.

JERRY

I don't want to feel it.

KRAMER

Come on.

GEORGE

Wow. Soft.

JERRY

Very soft. Very nice.

KRAMER

I got a whole case. Here. Take this. I can spare it. (Kramer reaches into his jacket and produces a role of toilet paper. He thrusts it at Jerry)

JERRY

Get that away from me.

KRAMER

What's the matter with you?

JERRY

Soap, mouthwash, even a tube of toothpaste. If it's been in the bathroom with you, I don't want it anywhere near me.

GEORGE

You know, weathermen are like the stand-up comedians of the news business. And they all draw. They're all artists. The sun with the smiley-face, that's a weatherman.

JERRY

Why do people even care about the weather? It's not like we're farmers. This isn't an agrarian society. And it's either raining or it's not raining. What's with this 30% chance of rain? So seven out of ten times the Teddy Bears have their picnic. What, am I betting on a race horse here? Like I need odds on if I can go out in suede.

KRAMER

You know if it weren't for clouds, it would be sunny all the time.

JERRY

Great. Great insight professor.

GEORGE

Is that true?

JERRY

What? About clouds?

GEORGE

Yeah.

JERRY

Are you aware of what a cloud is?

GEORGE

Yeah. So what?

JERRY

So clouds block out the sun. That's what they do. What do you think God's up there holding a little parasol?

GEORGE

Alright. OK. I didn't know.

(Kramer throws some money down on the table.)

GEORGE

What is that? That's...20%.

KRAMER

I raised my tipping scale. Inflation, you know. Cost of living. We can't keep tipping the same thing. It's antediluvian.

GEORGE

But it's fifteen percent. That's the tip. That's what a tip is. Fifteen-percent.

KRAMER

Fifteen-percent. I was tipping that 30 years ago. Do you know what 15% was 30 years ago? People tipping one cent for a cup of coffee. Five cents for a slice of pie. Bunch of wavy haired, knee sock wearing, cheapskates.

GEORGE

What, you're tipping 20% too?

JERRY

Well I don't want to be the low-tipper.

KRAMER

(To George) You're it.

GEORGE

Oh, so now I'm the low tipper.

KRAMER

Come on. It's only, what, fifty cents. You know what? Twenty's not enough. I'm tipping 25.

GEORGE

Yeah, fifty-cents here, fifty cents there. Soon you're sending them to the Catskills for the summer.

JERRY

What'd you just watch Dirty Dancing or something? Nobody goes to the Catskills any more.

GEORGE

Oh, so you're saying the whole region's deserted?

JERRY

Well, more than 15%.

GEORGE

Twelve percent! That's what I've always tipped, and that's what I'll tip till the day I die.

JERRY

I thought you said 15%?

GEORGE

It's a sliding scale.

JERRY

I'd say with you it's more like a bottomless pit. You know tipping's a slippery slope. It's like the constitution. You start taking away percents, you start moving towards complete tipping anarchy.

KRAMER

12%. Get out of here.

GEORGE

Thirteen, OK. I've made my decision. Twelve percent. That's final.

JERRY

Alright, I gotta get going. I've gotta go buy a birthday present for Allison. We're going out for dinner tonight. Her birthday was last week and I didn't get her anything. Now when I'm around her, I feel like I've got a time-bomb strapped to my chest. If I don't have a present on the table by coffee, I'm gonna be cutting wires.

GEORGE

Time bomb? Do you have to say time bomb? Like there's any other kind of bomb? Like I didn't know that's what you were talking about.

JERRY

What's the difference between thunder and lightning?

GEORGE

I'm feeling the heat!

KRAMER

You're going for a birthday present? What are you getting?

JERRY

I don't know. She collects antiques. I'm gonna go down to 54th street. They've got a lot of those old, mom and pop stores around there.

KRAMER

Count me in.

JERRY

George. You want to come?

GEORGE

No. No. I'm gonna...go for a walk. In the park. Maybe...get a pretzel.

JERRY

Alright.

(George has returned to the table. He doesn't want to be the low-tipper, so he removes part of Kramer and Jerry's tips and places them on his bill.)

SCENE - STREET

ALLISON

George?

GEORGE

Allison!

ALLISON

George, it's so funny that I ran into you.

GEORGE

Really?

ALLISON

Yeah. I was just talking about you yesterday with Jerry.

GEORGE

Nothing bad I hope. Because you can't listen...

ALLISON

Oh, it's such a nice day today. Finally. It's the first time in weeks I've gone out without a sweater.

GEORGE

Yeah, I was just...(Looks over at Allison, who is wearing a low-cut, v-neck top. Right in the middle of her chest, a little bit above her cleavage, is a large birthmark. About the size of a silver dollar. George's eyes are instantly drawn to it, which means they're also instantly drawn to her chest.)

SCENE - ANTIQUE SHOP

JERRY

What do you get someone who collects antiques? It's such a broad field. It's like saying "What do you want for dinner?" "Oh, I don't know. Get me something cooked."

KRAMER

How about this?

JERRY

A card table?

KRAMER

Nice and smooth. Good grain.

JERRY

Great grain. Marvelous grain.

KRAMER

Look at that patina, Jerry. They don't make patinas like that any more. Didn't you say she liked playing cards?

JERRY

No.

KRAMER

You weren't telling me that Allison likes cards?

JERRY

No I wasn't.

KRAMER

Then who were you talking about?

JERRY

I never told you anyone likes cards.

KRAMER

Well then who likes cards?

JERRY

I don't know. You?

KRAMER

Yeah.

JERRY

What makes something an antique anyway? I think it just has to be made out of wood.

KRAMER

Oh, look at this baby.

JERRY

If you think about it, antiquing is just shopping for people who live in the past. Is there a reason why just because something's old, it's automatically better than anything you can buy today? What about the slide-rule? I don't hear anyone getting too upset with the calculator.

KRAMER

No. No. You don't know what you're talking about. Look at these things. They've got character. Look at this table. Think about what this table's seen. Wars, droughts, stock-market crashes, man landing on the moon.

JERRY

And it's Formica!

KRAMER

Whoa! Look at this baby. An old Royal.

JERRY

Thinking of doing some writing?

KRAMER

You know, Jerry, I've always wanted a type-writer.

JERRY

Couldn't you just write out your manifesto by hand?

KRAMER

When I was a kid I used to have write out all my schoolwork by hand. My parents refused to buy a typewriter. Refused. I always used to forget what hand I wrote with. That's why I failed penmanship. And...everything else. I'm gonna buy this.

JERRY

This place really kills me. Look at these price tags. What are these, suggested prices? Everything is so arbitrary. You know what, there's nothing here. Lets go. I'll just get her something from Bloomingdale's and dip it in tea.

KRAMER

(Looking at the price tag) Fifty-bucks! No way.

JERRY

Fifty-bucks. That's reasonable.

KRAMER

That's highway robbery. I just saw on sale for $29.95 down at Penmans.

JERRY

Was that with, or without the keys?

KRAMER

I'm gonna see what he can do.

JERRY

No. No bargaining.

KRAMER

Why not? They want you to haggle. They love it when you haggle. They live to haggle. I bet this guy has a bumper sticker on his car that says "I'd rather be haggling."

JERRY

I know haggling, and believe me, no one likes to haggle.

KRAMER

What do you know about haggling?

JERRY

Are you kidding? I once had to drag my father out of a restaurant because he was furious the waitress wouldn't come down 10 cents on a cup of coffee. My whole family has a problem with price tags. Have you ever seen my uncle in a supermarket? He looks for damaged fruit. "Look at this, it's bruised. No one's gonna eat this. Why don't you just make me a deal?" He thinks vegetables should be priced by species. "Romaine lettuce, Iceberg lettuce. They're all lettuces."

KRAMER

How much is this type-writer?

MEL

Fifty dollars.

KRAMER

I'll give you twenty-five.

MEL.

The best I can do is forty.

KRAMER

Come on. Forty. I'll tell you what, $35, and you can keep the ribbon.

JERRY

Just take it.

KRAMER

OK. OK. What's the best you can do?

MEL

I just told you. Forty. That's the lowest I can go.

KRAMER

My friend's gonna get that card table over there. What about the pair?

MEL

The table and the typewriter. I'll let you have them both for $150.

KRAMER

Sold.

JERRY

What?

KRAMER

Jerry, that's a good deal.

JERRY

But I don't want that thing.

KRAMER

That table's two-hundred bucks. He's giving us the pair for $150. This guy doesn't know what he's doing. That means this is, two-hundred less one-fifty,...free. And I got you a good deal too. Now give the man his money.

MEL

Do you want a bag for that?

KRAMER

No. I've got it.

SCENE - RESTAURANT

ALEX

Elaine, this is the best lobster thermidor I've ever had. Where'd you hear about this place?

ELAINE

My friend's parents used to own it. They were forced out.

ALEX

Really. Why?

ELAINE

They got a bad review. They got in a fight with this Times food critic and he absolutely ripped the place apart. Their partners bought them out for a better review.

KELLY

Are you done with that?

ELAINE

Yeah. You can take it.

ALEX

What? Elaine, you barely touched it.

ELAINE

I know, I'm not that hungry.

ALEX

Well, take it home.

ELAINE

Aren't we going to a movie?

ALEX

Yeah.

ELAINE

I don't want to walk around the city carrying a lobster all night. Besides, they don't let you bring anything into the theatre.

ALEX

OK. Well, I'm stuffed.

KELLY

So you don't want this wrapped up?

ELAINE

No. It's OK.

KELLY

Alright.

ALEX

That really was a great dinner.

ELAINE

Will you excuse me a minute. I just have to go freshen up.

(Elaine gets up and leaves the table. As she walks to the bathroom she sees her waitress digging into the plate of food just removed from Elaine's table.)

SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT

KRAMER

Hey. You're all dressed up.

JERRY

I told you. I'm going out for dinner with Allison.

KRAMER

Here. (Kramer produces a roll of toilet paper and spins of a good 3-4 foot length of plies.) Take this.

JERRY

I told you to get that stuff away from me.

KRAMER

I don't understand you. Here I'm offering you something you've been looking for all your life and you won't take it. Comfort, Jerry. Doesn't that mean anything to you?

JERRY

I'm not taking my own toilet paper.

KRAMER

You know that restaurant stuff is no good. What is it, the brown towels? The wax paper? Those little, tiny, see-through sheets? That's sadistic man! You're gonna be shifting, squirming all night!

JERRY

Alright, that's enough. It's an expensive restaurant. I'm sure they supply their restrooms with their customer's comfort in mind. (Takes the toilet paper) Hey, this is soft.

SCENE - RESTAURANT

ALLISON

That was great biscotti.

JERRY

Best biscotti I've ever had. (Looking a little distracted as he sips his coffee)

ALLISON

The red one, or the blue one?

JERRY

(Mumbling) The red or the blue? Red or the blue? What?

ALLISON

You want the red mint, or the blue one?

JERRY

Oh. Mints.

ALLISON

Jerry, we've got to talk.

JERRY

Wait a second. I think I've got something right here that might change your mind.

ALLISON

What is that?

JERRY

Happy birthday!

ALLISON

Jerry!

JERRY

Open it.

ALLISON

You shouldn't have.

JERRY

I almost never did.

ALLISON

(Shaking the present) Oh. What is it? What is this? A pack of cards?

JERRY

Yeah. And you can use them on your new, old...card table!

ALLISON

You bought me a card table?

JERRY

Yeah.

ALLISON

But I don't play cards. I don't like cards. What made you think I wanted a card table?

JERRY

I know. I know. But it's an antique.

ALLISON

An antique. (Complete mood shift from aggressive to overjoyed) Jerry!

JERRY

I knew you'd like it. I think it's walnut. I tasted it myself. Will you excuse me a second. I've just got to, go to the bathroom.

SCENE - BATHROOM

(Jerry sniffs and looks under one of the stall doors, where there are feet peeking out)

JERRY

Mmm, lilac.

(Jerry enters the bathroom and looks at the stall. He produces the 4-ply toilet paper from his jacket pocket, and looks at the stall again.)

(Cut to: Jerry is in the stall with the door shut. He is just finished zipping and buckling his belt. He goes to depress the lever of the toilet handle, but no flush can be heard. He tries again, but still no luck. The toilet is clogged and will not flush. Quite reluctantly, he exits the stall, looking to make sure no one else is in the washroom to act as a witness to what he's done. But as he washes up and leaves, we notice that the stall next to him is occupied. The other man has heard Jerry leave without flushing.)

JERRY

Four-ply!

SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT

JERRY

So she was eating your food?

ELAINE

She was digging in.

JERRY

Are you sure? How do you know it was yours? She probably works there all night. It could have just been her dinner.

ELAINE

It was mine. I made my mashed potatoes into a little castle.

JERRY

You know I don't know what you're so upset about. Once the food leaves your table, that's it. It's not a round-trip ticket. You've signed the contract with the garbage.

ELAINE

I know. But I barely ate anything. There was a good 70% of that lobster left. And it was $24. That's $16 worth of lobster.

JERRY

I noticed you rounded up.

ELAINE

Well I'm trying to make a point here.

JERRY

So what do you want her to do?

ELAINE

She ate it. She should pay for it.

JERRY

But you were finished! It was going in the garbage.

ELAINE

So I treated her to a lobster dinner? Alright. I've gotta use your bathroom. Hey, wait a second. What do you think of this dress? (Holds up a hideous red dress beside her, like a matador holding up a red sheet)

JERRY

Uhh.

ELAINE

Come on. Just tell me.

JERRY

I don't know. Say "ole." (O-lay, like the bullfighter's call. Not "Ole," like "Grand 'Ole Opry.")

ELAINE

It's that bad?

JERRY

What is that on the back? A built in cape? It looks like something out of "The Sun Also Rises."

ELAINE

Alright.

JERRY

What's that noise?

(Jerry gets up and walks to the door. A clackety-clack sound can be heard coming from Kramer's apartment. Jerry knocks on the door. Kramer answers wearing a shirt, vest, and crumpled fedora. He has a chewed cigar in the corner of his mouth.)

JERRY

What's going on in there?

KRAMER

Just the sound of the daily beat, Mac.

JERRY

What?

KRAMER

Oh, you know, Charlie. The scoop.

JERRY

Is that right?

KRAMER

I'm working on a newsletter for the apartment. Sort of a heads up on what's going on. Maybe a little gossip. Dig up a little dirt, step on a few toes. You know how the newspaper business is.

JERRY

No, I don't. And neither do you.

KRAMER

I got 30 years experience.

JERRY

Really? You've been making those little hats and boats for that long? Listen, I don't care what you do, just keep my name out of it. OK.

KRAMER

But you're a celebrity, Jerry. How can you have a tabloid without celebrity scandal?

JERRY

I thought you said it was a newsletter.

KRAMER

Well, we want to keep up a respectable front. But between you and me. Well, you know the score. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a deadline.

SCENE - STREET

ALEX

I still can't believe it. The first store we go into and they've got the first edition Hemingway. I thought we'd have to go all over the city to find this. You can't believe how lucky this is. I've been looking for a copy for years. The Sun Also Rises. You know, I used to daydream about that bull-fight scene when I was in college? I always wanted to be a matador.

ELAINE

So what happened?

ALEX

You know, there really aren't that many bulls in Connecticut. Oh, look at this. We've still got an hour left on the meter.

ELAINE

They should have a refund policy on these things. Why should you pay for the guy who parks here after you? (Elaine takes out a length of toilet paper and blows her nose.)

ALEX

What is that? Toilet-paper?

ELAINE

Oh, Alex, you have to feel this. It's so soft. It's like blowing your nose with a fur coat.

ALEX

But you hate fur.

ELAINE

A faux fur, uh, coat. I stole it from Jerry's. It's 4 ply.

ALEX

It is soft. Elaine, I think I left my credit card in the store. Could you just run in and see if they've got it?

ELAINE

Sure.

(Elaine enters the book store. She exits onto the street and Alex's car has pulled out of the spot. A new car has pulled in. The woman has exited and is checking the meter.)

ELAINE

(Jokingly) Oh, there's still an hour left. You know, you owe us three dollars.

(The woman turns to face Elaine. It is Kelly, the waitress from the restaurant whom Elaine caught eating her dinner.)

SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT

ELAINE

First she eats my dinner, then she steals time off MY parking meter. She's living off my leftovers.

JERRY

Well, parking meters are a gamble. It's like fighting in a war, or something. You sacrifice yourself, so that others who come after you can park where they want, how they want, and for however long you leave them.

ELAINE

Don't you think they should have, like, a coin return slot or something? You should get your money back. I mean think of the precedent.

JERRY

Yeah, the Supreme Court should really look into it.

ELAINE

You know what this is? It's stealing! She stole my time. I should have called the police. She should be in jail doing HER time.

JERRY

Hey, you're in here wasting my time all day. Between you, George, and Walter Winchell over there, I'm doing consecutive terms.

ELAINE

Well, I'm telling you. I'm gonna do something. It's not right.

JERRY

Oh, you never get your money back. It's the same thing with the phones and the newspaper boxes. You don't tell them to keep the change, they just do.

(Enter Kramer)

KRAMER

Hey, Jerry. What's going on? Elaine!

ELAINE

Hi.

JERRY

Where are you going?

ELAINE

The, uh, bathroom.

JERRY

Again? That's like the third time today.

ELAINE

I know.

JERRY

Alright.

KRAMER

So. What's new? Anything on the down low?

JERRY

No. Everything is, pretty much eye level.

KRAMER

You sure? Nothing's cooking? Nothing's sizzling?

JERRY

What's with all the ink stains?

KRAMER

So, come on. What did you do last night? A big night on the town? Huh. Lots of glitterati and, uh, literati. The bright lights, the hot jazz. The cold soup.

JERRY

I went out for dinner with Allison.

KRAMER

Last name please?

JERRY

Harmer.

KRAMER

Spell that.

JERRY

H-A-R-M-E-R.

KRAMER

Huh. Slower please.

JERRY

H-A-R. M-E-R.

KRAMER

Where'd you go.

JERRY

Sapoto.

KRAMER

Sapoto. Right. Is that one T, or two?

JERRY

One.

KRAMER

Alright. And what about the bathroom? What kind of toilet paper do they have there? Is it the one ply? An upscale place like that, must be at least two ply.

JERRY

That's it. No more questions. I'm sick of all these questions.

KRAMER

Whoa. Looks like I hit a nerve. Or maybe the motherlode.

JERRY

No. No nerve. No lode.

KRAMER

Then answer the question.

JERRY

NO.

KRAMER

Something's not right here. I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

JERRY

Get out.

KRAMER

You can't silence the press, Jerry. The people have a right to know.

JERRY

See what I'm living with.

ELAINE

Yeah. So we're going to the coffee shop for lunch. (Elaine blows her nose.)

JERRY

Yeah. Is that my toilet paper?

ELAINE

What? Oh. You were out of Kleenex. Here (hands Jerry a large box of 4 ply tissue) It's, uh, empty.

JERRY

What? I just bought that whole case yesterday. That's like a football field of toilet paper. I'm telling you, that stuff's dangerous. Man was not meant to toy with the bathroom. You know what it used to be like? Newspaper, Sears catalogues, phone-books. You were in, and you were out.

ELAINE

I can't help it. It's so...soft.

JERRY

It's the White Menace.

(Jerry and Elaine exit his apartment and move into the hallway, and then the garbage room. Kramer is already inside picking through the trash.)

ELAINE

Kramer.

KRAMER

Oh. Hey Jerry. Just taking out the trash, you know. Keeping it clean.

JERRY

What are you doing? Looking through my garbage?

KRAMER

Alright. Alright. I can take the heat. What are you gonna do? Rough me up? I can take it.

JERRY

I don't know what you think you're gonna find in there Woodward. There's no story here. You're way off.

KRAMER

Oh yeah? Then how do you explain this? Batteries mixed in with the rest of your garbage. Showing a clear disregard for environmental safeguards. This is journalistic dynamite. (Falls back into a pile of garbage)

SCENE -KRAMER'S APARTMENT

(Kramer is sitting at the typewriter, studying his notes. The phone rings and he answers it, only he's speaking into the wrong end.)

KRAMER

Hello.

VOICE

Hello.

KRAMER

Hello.

VOICE

Hello!

KRAMER

(Realizes he's speaking into the wrong end of the phone.) Hello.

VOICE

Hello.

KRAMER

City desk. Kramer speaking.

VOICE

I've come across a rather interesting tidbit of news regarding Jerry Seinfeld. I was wondering if you'd care to meet.

KRAMER

Jerry, huh. Alright. Well, I'll see if we can send someone. Where do you want to do this?

VOICE

The parking garage. 10 sharp. Bring no one. If I see cops I run. Well...maybe not run. But I'll walk fast.

KRAMER

Hey, what's your angle?

VOICE

Lets just say Jerry and I have had our differences. (Voice erupts in laughter.) Hello? Hello? Are you still there?

KRAMER

Yeah.

VOICE

Well get off the line. I'm trying to make another call.

SCENE - COFFEE SHOP

(George enters)

WAITRESS

(To George) Hi.

GEORGE

Me?

WAITRESS

Yeah. I just wanted to thank you for that tip you left yesterday. 50%. Most people only leave ten or twelve. Like your friends.

GEORGE

Really? You know if it were up to me, 15% right on the bill. That way they don't get away with it. My friend, Jerry. He doesn't have a lot of money. I don't know if you've noticed, but he's always ordering cereal. Well, sometimes, I slip him a little bit at the end of the week. To tide him over. Otherwise, it's Kraft Dinner three times a day.

WAITRESS

Oh. I'm sorry.

GEORGE

No, it's alright. He's a fighter. Got that fighting attitude. Used to be a weatherman. But he, uh, kept getting it wrong. People were wearing sweaters in the summer, sunbathing in the rain. It was terrible. Blacklisted. They blacklisted him. Sent him to Siberia. He was predicting highs of 87. Overnight lows of 76. People went out in T-shirts and froze to death. Flash-froze. Like a popsicle. He, uh, he's the one who invented the sun with the little smiley face. Lives off the royalties.

(Waitress exits)

GEORGE

I've been looking all over for you.

JERRY

What were you talking to her about?

GEORGE

Nothing. The, uh, weather.

JERRY

What do you want?

GEORGE

I need to borrow a tie.

JERRY

That's what you were looking for me for?

ELAINE

What happened to all your ties.

JERRY

He threw them out.

ELAINE

Why?

JERRY

Bad patterns.

GEORGE

I can't walk around with an open collar. I feel like an idiot.

JERRY

So button it up.

GEORGE

Then I look like an idiot.

(Kramer enters the coffee shop in disguise. He has a camera around his neck. Jerry sees him and scoffs, but doesn't say anything.)

WAITRESS

Is it just the three of you?

JERRY

No. We're meeting one more.

ELAINE

One more? Is Kramer coming?

JERRY

No, Allison's meeting us.

GEORGE

Oh. Allison.

JERRY

Is that all right?

GEORGE

Sure. Sure. It's alright. Hey, it's cold out today, isn't it? Sweater weather?

JERRY

Yeah, I guess.

ALLISON

Hi. Sorry I'm late. There was this guy on the street. I think he was following me. Tall guy, with beard and a mustache. Kinda freaked me out.

JERRY

Hi. You know Allison, don't you?

GEORGE

We've met. Briefly.

ELAINE

I love that top. Where'd you get it?

ALLISON

It's vintage. I bought it at this second-hand store.

(Allison is wearing another low cut top, that is partially obscured by a jacket. She removes the jacket and sits right across from George, giving him a full view of her cleavage and birthmark. His eyes are again drawn to her chest.)

ALLISON

What should I have?

(Allison leans forward to read the menu, giving George a clear view down her shirt. She is completely unaware that he is looking nervously all around the restaurant, trying desperately not to look.)

ALLISON

George. What are you getting?

GEORGE

I'm...ah, I'm getting the..burritos.

ALLISON

Jerry always gets the same thing. He's so boring.

JERRY

The Western Omelette. Best in the West.

(George starts to fidget nervously)

ELAINE

George. What are you doing?

GEORGE

Nothing.

ELAINE

What are you looking at?

GEORGE

Nothing. I'm looking at nothing.

(George removes his glasses.)

ALLISON

George. Can I tell you a secret? About Jerry.

GEORGE

Sure.

ALLISON

Come here.

GEORGE

You come here.

ALLISON

C'mon. Lean in.

(Allison leans in even further giving George a completely unobstructed look down her shirt. He is shaking, trying again, desperately to avoid eye contact with her chest. Kramer, who is sitting in the booth behind Allison, leans back to attempt to hear what she is going to say.)

ALLISON

Jerry always picks the onions out of his omelette.

(George momentarily looks at Allison, but really gets a long look down her shirt. Kramer can be seen in the corner, unbeknownst to George, snapping away with his camera.)

JERRY

You didn't tell him about the onions, did you?

ALLISON

No. I'd never do that.

JERRY

This one and her mouth. Dirty mouth, but very fresh breath!

(Kramer gets up and exits the coffee shop.)

SCENE - PARKING LOT

(Kramer is waiting in the corner of a parking structure. It is night, and the structure is cloaked in darkness.)

VOICE

Psst.

(A man, completely enveloped in shadows can be seen standing in the corner.)

KRAMER

Hello.

VOICE

Psst. Over here.

KRAMER

Where. I can't see anything. (Kramer walks right into a parked car.) Ow!

(The stranger in the corner lights a cigarette. Kramer follows the light towards the speaker.)

VOICE

That's far enough.

KRAMER

So what is this? What did you drag me out here for? You know I've got a paper to run.

VOICE

I want the world to know about Jerry Seinfeld. The evil, the malice contained within that nubile shell. Oh, he's more than a man who makes fairly obvious observations. He's a villain of the lowest rank. An evil, despicable monster of the rankest order.

KRAMER

OK. OK. Give it up. What's your story?

VOICE

While dining at a rather upscale establishment last Friday evening, I was overcome by a sudden urge. An urge so great that it's calling, much like the Siren's sweet song, could not be resisted. It led me to the lavatory, where I happened to secure a stall next to an unknown occupant. By and by, I heard the stranger rise, zip, buckle, and exit the stall. But alas, there was no flush. No sound of rushing water, gentle as the October breeze. As I was finished, I removed myself from the four walls of my enclosure and inspected the scene. Oh, I've seen some things in my years in the service. Letters without zip codes, return addresses left blank, sixes that look like Gs, fives that you could SWEAR were S's. But never anything like this.

KRAMER

Alright. C'mon. What are you trying to say?

VOICE

Lets just say if this were poker, Seinfeld would have gone from a straight to a full house and skipped the flush.

KRAMER

Jerry? No, I don't believe you.

VOICE

Oh, believe me. It's quite true. There's one man who can't (chuckling), pressure the HANDLE.

KRAMER

Hey! Who are you?

VOICE

Oh, I don't know. Just a voice, floating on the wind I suppose. A mad hatter for whom the tea has already gone cold. You can call me...The Postman.

KRAMER

Why?

VOICE

Because the Postman always flushes twice. Hahaha.

SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT

KRAMER

I thought I'd let you get a peek at today's early edition before we go to press. Yeah, we're working up a storm over there. We got a real egg cooking for tomorrow. A scoop. I thought you might want to take a look.

JERRY

Thank you. I appreciate that.

KRAMER

Here you go.

JERRY

(Reading) "Jawdropper Gawker: George Costanza gets more than an eyeful of B-list celeb Jerry Seinfeld's newest gal pal." What the hell is this?

KRAMER

It's the news.

JERRY

What is this? When did this happen?

KRAMER

The other day in the coffee shop.

JERRY

I knew that was you. Well, what are you gonna do with it?

KRAMER

Little Joey Palmerston. From 4-C. He's gonna sell them on the street corner. And Newman's gonna drop them off on his route.

JERRY

George isn't gonna be too happy about this.

KRAMER

I'm just a journalist, Jerry. I don't find the stories, they find me. (Drops some cigar ash onto his pants and starts writhing)

SCENE - THE COSTANZA'S

FRANK

I open the front page of the paper and I see this. My son ogling some woman like, like, a piece of rock candy.

GEORGE

Look. I wasn't ogling. She was leaning in. What was I supposed to do?

FRANK

And the front page, banner headline. Look at these letters.

GEORGE

What are you talking about. It's not even a paper. Look, it's printed at Kinkos.

(Phone rings)

ESTELLE

Hello. Charlotte. You got what? Oh my God!

GEORGE

What did she get? What did she get?

FRANK

Look at this. It's like that kid from that movie. Home By Myself. Home My Lonesome. Home...! You're like that guy from that Guinness Book of Records. You could've fit a billiard ball in there.

ESTELLE

Charlotte Bluestein just got her mail. That...paper was in it.

GEORGE

Kramer!

FRANK

Now all of our friends are gonna get this thing?

GEORGE

I don't know.

FRANK

Home Alone!

SCENE - COFFEE SHOP

ALLISON

Look what I just bought. Some kid's selling them outside.

JERRY

Oh, I've already seen it.

ALLISON

You saw this and you didn't call me.

JERRY

Well, they've got a very limited readership.

ALLISON

This is your friend staring down my shirt on the front of some newspaper and you didn't think I'd mind?

JERRY

He wasn't staring down your shirt. The whole thing's just a misunderstanding.

ALLISON

So what was he doing?

JERRY

It's your birthmark. On your chest. You wear all these low-cut tops, like you don't know what's gonna happen. It's a focal point. A woman's chest is like the first thing a man sees. Our eyes are instinctively drawn there. That thing you've got there is like the "X" that marks the spot.

ALLISON

It is?

JERRY

Yes. Plus you're leaning over, whispering. I could've dropped a jar of olives down there.

ALLISON

I had no idea.

JERRY

That whole area's like a magnet. Here you've got a strong biological attraction, and on the other side a weak, weak man. It's a recipe for disaster.

SCENE - MAIL ROOM

(Jerry is getting his mail. He opens the box and produces one of Kramer's newsletters.)

JERRY

(Reading) "Seinfeld says: Flush this! This Jack's one card that's a cad when it comes to the flush in the John."

(Another man is getting his mail. He sees the paper and the headline, and looks at Jerry accusingly and with a clear look of disgust)

JERRY

Hey, Terry. Terry. It's not true.

SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT

(Kramer enters, hopping. It is obvious that he needs to use the bathroom)

JERRY

Hey? Where do you think you're going?

KRAMER

I need to use your toilet. Mine's all clogged up. It won't flush. It's that four ply. I used to much. It's soft, but...deadly.

JERRY

What is this? (Holding up the paper)

KRAMER

Oh, hey, you got it. Yeah, that's the scoop I was telling you about.

JERRY

What are you doing to me?

KRAMER

Look. I don't make the news, I just print it.

JERRY

Who told you about this? Who told you?

KRAMER

What? You want my source? You've got to be kidding. I can't do it Jerry, it's unethical.

JERRY

Well you can't use the washroom. My toilet's clogged.

KRAMER

The four ply?

JERRY

Yeah.

KRAMER

What am I gonna do?

JERRY

I don't know. Why don't you go down to Newman's.

KRAMER

Oh, Newman's got that new lilac air freshener. I'm allergic to lilac Jerry. My eyes water, my nose runs. And I'm out of four ply!

JERRY

Wait a second. Lilac? Newman!

KRAMER

I gotta do something. I can't wait.

JERRY

Why don't you just go to the coffee shop?

KRAMER

The coffee shop? Man, I hate public washrooms. You know I can't be comfortable in there. And it's all about comfort. If I'm not comfortable, well, you know. It doesn't happen.

JERRY

I know. They've always got that little space between the door and the frame so everyone who walks in can get a little peek. And the pants down on the floor isn't the best look either. You know they might as well take down that little wall and just let you sit next to the other guy anyway. There's no privacy. The washroom's got the best acoustics in the restaurant. A bobby-pin drops in the washroom, you hear it.

KRAMER

Hey! What about that port-a-john out on the street? Yeah. Alright. Where's your paper. Because I need something to do in there. The crossword, or the jumble. I can't be unfocused.

JERRY

I don't understand this fascination with doing something in the washroom. You're already doing something. Can't you focus on one thing? And you shouldn't be in there for that long anyway. Is it supposed to be fun? Are you supposed to have a good time? What is it, the atmosphere? Because I don't know many people with urinals in their living rooms.

SCENE - STREET

(Jerry meets Elaine on the street)

ELAINE

Jerry! Where are you going?

JERRY

Coffee shop. You?

ELAINE

Oh, just going for a walk.

JERRY

Four-ply?

ELAINE

Clogged beyond recognition.

JERRY

I told you that stuff was dangerous.

ELAINE

I'll walk with you. I've just got to stop and get a paper.

(Elaine stops at a NY Times newspaper box and inserts some coins. She opens the box, only to find it full of Kramer's newsletters.)

ELAINE

What the hell is this? Jerry?

JERRY

Oh, no. You don't understand. It was the four ply!

(Elaine releases the door to shut the box, but a hand juts in and stops it from closing. The camera draws back and reveals the waitress from the restaurant who ate Elaine's dinner. She reaches into the box and takes a paper, free-of-charge.)

ELAINE

Jerry! That's her. That's the meal-finisher.

JERRY

Quite the snazzy dresser.

ELAINE

Wait! Those are my clothes! She's wearing my clothes!

JERRY

What? Closet surplus? Not enough hangers?

ELAINE

That's the dress I showed you. The one I donated to Goodwill. It cost me $450. I only wore it once.

JERRY

So why'd you give it away?

ELAINE

Because it only looked good in those department store funhouse mirrors.

JERRY

Oh yeah, the salt stains.

ELAINE

No. Puddle splash-back.

ELAINE

I'm getting that dress back. Hey! You. Meal finisher. Yeah, Little Red Riding Hood. That's my dress. Yeah. Mine. I want it back.

KELLY

What are you talking about? You're crazy. This is my dress, I just bought it yesterday.

(Road work is being done on the street and there is one of those port-a-johns standing on the sidewalk. We see Kramer walk up to with a rolled up newspaper under his arm. Kramer tries the door, but it's locked. Newman is inside.)

KRAMER

Hey! Hey! How much longer?

NEWMAN

(From inside) Go away!

KRAMER

Newman?

NEWMAN

Kramer? It's the four ply. My toilet couldn't take it. I flushed. And I flushed. And I flushed. Still.

KRAMER

Well hurry up. I'm dyin'!

(Cut to Elaine)

ELAINE

I paid $450 for that dress.

KELLY

$29.95.

ELAINE

You're not getting that dress. Give me that dress.

(Enter George and Allison)

ALLISON

Hey, Jerry! Look. (Holds up a sweater) Wool! George just took me sweater shopping. You know, I was wrong about him. He's really a sweet, sensitive guy.

GEORGE

Oh, it was fun. We picked out some real nice turtle-necks, mock-turtles. You know, it's amazing what they're doing with overcoats these days. What's going on here?

JERRY

Pamplona.

ALLISON

Aren't you gonna do something?

JERRY

I am. I'm watching.

(Elaine pulls the dress off, which goes flying in the air. Kelly is semi-nude, wearing only a bra. George is awestruck as he looks at her. His jaw drops.)

ALLISON

(Disgusted) Get a good look?

(Alex, Elaine's boyfriend walks by and picks up the dress. He holds it, shaking it, unwittingly, like a matador. Kelly sees it and is enraged. She makes a final run at Alex, who at the last second adeptly draws the dress back.)

JERRY

O-Lay (Like the matador's call)

(Cut to Newman inside the port-a-john, reading the paper.)

(Cut to outside, the woman, Kelly, running at the red dress. Alex pulls it back and Kelly slams into the port-a-john.)

(Cut to the inside of the port-a-john: Newman is inside as Kelly hits. The john begins to tip, and falls over)

(Cut to outside)

KRAMER

What a scoop.

NEWMAN

(From inside the john, which is about to tip over) Four-ply!

The End


End file.
